if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
