Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
soo... how was my night?
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