Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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