I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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