just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize