make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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