I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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