We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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