It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
