If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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