Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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