No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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