Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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