she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You took a bar mat shot.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
