I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
