i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
