I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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