I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
