The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
