What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
