I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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