me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
