I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
