U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
