I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
