I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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