Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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