i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
