They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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