I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
