i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize