The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
