just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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