I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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