I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
