; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
