when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
