my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Rumble strips road head = magical
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
