and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
