mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
