I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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