i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
