Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I am one with the molecules
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
