TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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