I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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