I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
