Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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