did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
