when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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