Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
