your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
