Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
