I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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