R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize