i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
