I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
