I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am spending my child support on dildos
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize