i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
