Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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